1. Laundry puns are not as bad as everyone thinks they are. They’ve just been getting bad press.
2. My cousin wanted to know if I knew any laundry puns. I told her that I’ve got loads of them.
3. My sister and I were having an argument about whose turn it was to do laundry. In the end, I threw in the towel.
4. After washing all the clothes, my mom accidentally dropped all the laundry. I witnessed all of it unfold.
5. My friend once found a fifty-dollar bill in his pant’s pocket after laundry. I became worried that he might get caught for money laundering.
6. My dad complained that he had misplaced a sock while doing his laundry. I said that it was a sacrifice for the dryer god. He replied, “It was a sockrifice.”
7. I found out that I accidentally washed some of my brother’s Nerf darts in the laundry. Well, it should make for good clean shots.
8. Finally, I did my laundry today. That was a load off of my mind. Know about, loads of laundry per week.
9. I ran out of detergent while I was going to do laundry today. I didn’t let that get me down because I realized that it was the start of a new Era.
10. I made a few speaker boxes out of my used laundry detergent bottles. They sound super clean.
11. When I was in college, I used to do my roommate’s laundry, and he used to do mine. I guess we both were maids for each other.
12. I was holding a bottle of detergent while doing my laundry. All of a sudden, the bottle exploded and completely drenched my hands. Now my hands are Tide.
13. When I went to do my laundry today, I realized that I needed to open a new packet of detergent. That was when the tide changed. Get information about, Do laundry detergent expires?
14. I once bet my friend all my laundry that I could make him cry. There was a lot on the line.
15. I accidentally spilled quite a lot of laundry detergent. Luckily, it all landed in a bucket. I guess I turned the tide.
16. A comedian will never be able to tell a dirty laundry joke. They will just come out clean.
17. I always say that If you think doing laundry is not funny, you just need to have a dryer sense of humor.
18. My mother’s sister is quite good at cleaning smelly laundry. We call her deodor-aunt.
19. My brother promised he would be on top of our laundry. My mother came and told him to fold it as he had promised and not lie on it while he watched TV.
20. In a particular version of a poker game, the players have to put away their laundry loads before playing. It’s named ‘Texas Fold’ em’.
21. Yesterday, my wife injured her back trying to reach for the laundry detergent. Seeing that, I told her, “no pain, no gain.”
22. My brother was doing laundry and forgot to separate my mother’s white dress from his redshirt. He’s going to get in loads of trouble. Get information about, buy laundry detergent with an OTC card.
23. I needed little help drying clothes after washing them. So I just requested my dad if he could help me hang the laundry. My dad replied, “Why? What did the laundry ever do to you?”
24. My brother was washing his suit and not doing a good job. When I told him that, he just replied, “laundry isn’t my strong suit when I have to wash my bathing suit.”
25. I was doing my laundry today, and the clothes seemed surprised. They really shouldn’t have been, because I’ve worn them before.
26. My sister and I were doing our laundry together. I told her, “Is it not ironic that these dryer sheets get stuck to the clothes?” She looked at me and told me, “no-no, it’s ionic.” Know about, laundry symbols.
27. I noticed that a wasp was in my laundry when I was dropping the clothes in the washer. I just decided that the best action would be to close the lid and start washing it anyway. Well, now it’s a washp.
28. My friend found a peanut in her wet laundry. She said, “Hey, that’s a peanut in the laundry.” I just replied with, “well, ain’t that a little nutty?”
29. Someone I know did his Ph.D. in Washing Machines before heading the Washing Machine’s PR department. We now call him a Spin Doctor.
30. My friend invented the washing machine for banknotes. When I heard that, I said, “that’s a money-spinner.”
31. If your daughter gets untidy from playing in the mud outside, you should just washer and dryer.
32. Today, my ten-year-old sister referred to the pile of dirty laundry my mother was washing as ‘Mount Wash More’.
33. When I was in college, I couldn’t pay my bills. Sometimes I had to choose between laundry detergent and one breakfast snack. It was either All or muffin. Read about, laundry quotes.
34. Today, I got offered a job at a prison laundry. I didn’t go through with it because I don’t want to pick up a dirty habit.
35. My laundry machine and dishwasher broke down today. We rushed them to a washpital immediately.
36. I built a car out of my used and broken washing machine. I’ll take it out for a spin later.
37. I washed my clothes today, and a couple of pictures of Santa washed up. Well, I guess I shouldn’t have used my Yule Tide Detergent.
38. There was a PI who one day decided to wash the clothes in his bedroom. When he entered his bedroom and noticed the dirty pillow, he immediately took the case.
39. My cousin Margaret said that she once fell into a detergent vat at a factory where she worked. I guess that was Marge in All.
40. Today, I ran out of body wash and soap, and the only thing I could find was some detergent. Suddenly it Dawn-ed on me.
41. The Beatles wrote one song about laundry detergent and chocolate. It’s called Twix and Shout.
42. I was working, and my clothes were in my dryer. I asked my dad if the dryer was still running. My dad just said, “the dryer can’t run. It doesn’t have legs.”
43. My wife and I just moved into an apartment with a washer but no dryer. So we’re hanging the clothes on a line outside. One day my wife said, “how is it going to dry in the winter?”. “Well, we’ll just freeze-dry them”, I told her.
44. I went to the laundromat yesterday with some money. I needed some fresh clothes for a change.
45. Being rich, one of the worst things that can happen to someone is having all of their secrets revealed. You don’t want your dirty laundry out there for everyone to see.
46. My mother usually prefers doing laundry during the daytime. She says that the moon always messes with the tide.
47. I don’t have washboard abs. If I did, I’d do my laundry regularly. Know about, Non-alkaline detergent.
48. I almost fell down the stairs yesterday with a bucket of washed laundry in my hand. My dad seeing that, exclaimed, “that was clothes one.”
49. Instead of using fear of prison to discourage criminals, we should make them do laundry using tide pods. They would be the real crime detergents.
50. Some robbers broke into my house and stole everything except the soaps in the kitchen, laundry room, and bathroom. The cop told me, “well, they seem to have made a clean getaway.”
51. Some relatives came to our house while my sister was trying to make a swing on the front lawn by hanging on a wire. Seeing that, the relatives asked, “how often does she go online?”
52. My sister wanted to tell me some laundry puns. I just told her, “I can’t listen to it. All of it is washed up.”
53. Why’d the Eskimo do his laundry inside with tide pods? It was the way too cold out tide.
54. What do you call a president that has tons of laundry to do? Washington.
55. Why did the mobsters prefer not to launder the dirty money? Because they wanted to become filthy rich.
56. How do people wash their laundry in Bangkok? With Thai Pods.
57. What would you call it if you almost forgot to wash your laundry? It’d be a clothes call.
58. What would a business person call his laundry shop if he was a Star Wars fan? It’d be ‘Star Wash: Attack Of The Clothes’.
59. Did you see the curious monkey doing all the laundry? Yes, George was Washing-a-ton.
60. What’s the name of the first president of the laundromat? George Washing-done.
61. Why’d the warden give a laundry soap to the departing prisoners? She hoped the soaps would act as a detergent against future grime.
62. What would you call a day without some laundry money? It’d be called a quarter-life crisis.
63. What would happen if a person from Alabama dropped their detergent down a hill? It’d be a rolling tide.
64. What did one sock say to the other sock in the dryer? It said, “I’ll see you next time around.”
65. What would happen if a wolf fell into the washing machine? He’d become a wash and werewolf.
66. What happened to the leopard that fell in the washing machine? He came out spotless.
67. Don’t you ever get tired and feel like you want to throw in the towel? No, because that’d only mean more laundry.
68. Why are poker players good at doing laundry? Because they know how to fold.
69. What would you call an automatic washing machine that washes nuns’ clothing? Systematic.
70. What would happen if you left a tube of superglue inside your pocket while doing your laundry? The washing machine would engage in a vicious cycle.
71. What is the laundry capital of the USA? It’s Washington DC.
72. What would happen if you found $50 while doing laundry? It’d be the rags to riches story.
73. Why are goalkeepers good at doing laundry? Because they love clean sheets.
74. What do sailors do their laundry with? Tied pods.
75. What kind of exercise do washing machines love? The Spin Cycle.
76. What kind of chocolate will you find in your pocket while doing laundry? Lindt chocolate.
77. How do network routers fix their shaking washing machine? By load balancing.
78. Why wasn’t the washing machine starting? Because its door wasn’t clothes.
79. What did the detergent say to the other after an excellent game? It said, “good scour.”
80. What would you call a dancing clothes dryer? A linty-hop.
81. What would you call a dapper bouncer at the laundromat? A Deter Gent. Know about, mild soap.
82. How did the accident patient get a clean bill of health? She left her hospital bill in her laundry by mistake
83. Why shouldn’t someone yell loudly in a laundromat? Washing powders are supposed to be concentrated.
84. Why did the lemon go to school wearing a red shirt? That’s because his blue shirt was dirty and in the laundry.
85. Why were the programmers bad at doing their laundry? Because they always throw their dirty clothes on the heap.
86. Why was Mr. Miyagi allowed to do his laundry at Cobra Kai dojo? Because he’s Anti-Kreese.
87. What detergent did the mermaid use? Tide. Also read about, best washing machine cleaner 2022.
88. Have you heard the name of the next book of the Divergent trilogy? I heard they’re calling it ‘Detergent, a dishsoapian novel’.
88. What would you call Tide Pods that prevent wars? Nuclear detergents.
89. What would you call it if you went poor and switched your detergent for cheap powder? It’d be a locust solution.
90. Why did the girl at the dry cleaner quit her job? Because her work was de-pressing. There were so many details to iron out daily.
Jokes About Laundry
- How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh?(A Washington.)
- I created a new gig-economy app for laundry called Laundry(Unfortunately, the only thing anyone seems to use it for is washer-dryer hookups.)
- Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.(This went on but eventually I folded.)
- why are racists so good at doing laundry?(They always separate the whites with the colors)
- Did you hear about the nun who used to punt her laundry into the hamper every day? (Last I heard she kicked the habit.) Know about, Is soap basic or acidic?
- Today my 10 year old daughter referred to the pile of dirty laundry that my wife is doing as.(Mount Wash More.)
- Laundry makes me feel like a president(Because I’m washing tons)
- My wife and I had this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.(Finally I threw in the towel.)
- Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future. (I call these socks lost soles.)
Funny Jokes About Laundry
The husband whispers:”Honey, I’m not wearing underwear…”Wife: let me sleep now, I’ll do laundry tomorrow
What’s the proper procedure when witnessing someone having a seizure in a bathtub?Sprint to your room, grab all the dirty clothes you can, and start saving money on laundry.
what do you do with someone that is having a seizure in a bathtub?Throw in a load of laundry.
What do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?Throw your laundry in with them.
Im not racist but… I will always believe in one activity that is better off segregated into whites and colored.Laundry
Being from the South, my mother was all about hospitality! Cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry and even foot rubs!She made me do it all.
Why was Martin Luther King so bad at doing laundry?Because he wouldn’t separate the whites from the blacks.
I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean.Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don’t seem to agree.
What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common?One protects all colors.
My girlfriend and I use “laundry” as a code-word for s-e-x.Her dad asked me why I couldn’t do the laundry by myself so I told him “it’s a big load”.
What’s the difference between a woman and a laundry machine?When I dump a load in the washing machine it doesn’t follow me around after
I’ve always said that life is a lot like doing laundry.There’s a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the whites.
Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry?Because red shirts die easily.
My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.We are maid for each other.
Know about, non-detergent soap.
Funny Laundry Jokes
- Nelson Mandela became an icon when he did laundry in prison. I guess he used one part water, one part starch, and one part Tide.
- A man doing laundry is called non-existent.
- My laundry detergent and police are different in that one protects all colors.
- Life is more like doing laundry. You bleed less if you learn to separate the colors from the whites.
- My boyfriend and I use “laundry” as code word for s-e-x. So one day his mum asked me why I couldn’t do laundry by myself and told her it is a big load. Get information about, In-Unit laundry.
- Starting laundry across the street from Goldman Sachs has made my laundry business make millions a month.
- If a man escaped from an insane asylum and had s-e-x with a girl in a laundry mat, the ideal newspaper title would be “Nut screws washers and bolts.”
- If you don’t check the pockets of clothes of your husband when doing laundry you could be charged with money laundering.
- My dog was very dirty so I decided to look for a detergent that would work best on my dog in a retail store on the laundry detergent aisle. To my surprise, the salesman told me not to use laundry detergent on my dog and that if I did it would be killed for sure. But I got a detergent that indicated that it would lift dirt so I bought it. Unfortunately, the dog died despite being squeaky clean after I bathed him with detergent. I guess I chose the wrong drying cycle.
- A good-looking man who is responsible, rich, great at s-e-x, cooks, cleans and does his own laundry can be best described as imaginary.
- If you cook for your wife and she does your laundry then your married life is awesome. It means you’re a maid for each other.
- If you hate doing laundry throw in the towel.
- Poker players are the best at doing laundry since they know when to fold.
- Lindt is the laundry machine’s favorite chocolate.
- : How much fun is washing your clothes? ( A: Loads.)
- What happened to the leopard that fell into the washing machine? A: He came out spotless.
- Did you hear about the thief on the run for stealing laundry detergent? A: he’s wanted for his ill-begotten Gain. Get information about, Fix of the house smells like sewer when doing laundry.
Laundry Jokes One Liners
- Decided to change my washing powder. It’s a bold move.
Been invited to a hair washing party. I’ve no excuse not to go.
- Asked a girl who works in the local pet grooming parlor out to dinner once. She couldn’t make it, she was washing her hair.
- A friend told me he had set up a business washing mice & rats. Thought it was dodgy at first, but then realized it was squeaky clean.
- Took a friend to the cleaners the other day. His washing machine had broken
- Had a race to see who could hang out the washing quickest. It was level pegging. Know about, What kills C. diff in the laundry?
- Took a risk washing my clothes when there was a chance of rain. I put it all on the line.
- What travels along your washing line at 100 miles per hour? Honda pants.
- A friend did a Ph.D. in Washing Machines. He’s a Spin Doctor.
- What do you call a nun sitting on a washing machine? Systematic.
- A friend of mine invented the washing machine for bank notes. It’s a real money spinner.
- Kirk asked Spock what sort of washing powder he uses. “That’s biological, captain”.
- If you like these washing jokes have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics. Know about, What kills C. diff in the laundry?
Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?Three clothespins held up two shirts.
Where do you go to find something you lost at a laundromat?The washed and found
A Woman goes into a laundromatThe woman says: “I spilled salad on it.” The Worker, not hearing them, said: “Come again?”
The woman says: “No, not this time, it was salad.”
Why was the laundromat cancelled on Twitter?For reminding people to separate whites from colors
I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run ofSo i shouted “come stains!”
What city does the Laundromat man protect?Clotham
So I was at the laundromat the other dayI went to the change machine to get some quarters. It took my bill but nothing came back out.
And I thought, “that doesn’t make cents.”
What’s the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?The washer doesn’t take loads for free
I saw a guy stealing candy machines out of a laundromat and yelled at him, “Why would you do that?!!”He yelled back, “Jack nickels, son!!”
A homeless man and his wife got married in a Laundromat. Where did he take her when she wanted a divorce?He took her to the cleaners
The management at my laundromat has been having some issues lately, and as a result, have been slow on getting items backI need my suit on Sunday so I hope they’ve ironed things out.
Why couldn’t Mike Tyson go to the laundromat? Get information about, the purpose of detergent in DNA extraction.Because it was clothed.
Yo mama so fatThat when her underwear got dirty and she went to the laundromat, they told her that they don’t accept parachutes
How is your mom just like a laundromat?For a dollar in quarters she will take my load.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?Because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine won’t be able to support you.
My girlfriend just yelled at me to “seperate the whites from the colors!”Yeah, racist as hell. If that’s the way she’s going to act, she can go to the laundromat alone next time.
I like to do my laundry naked so that all my clothes are clean. Know about, How long does a load of laundry takes?Unfortunately, the patrons at the laundromat don’t seem to agree.
Money Laundering Jokes
I have recently been involved in money laundering…I had some coins in my pocket which I didn’t realise untill there was a ticking sound coming from the dryer.
My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.“Son, you’re going to have to stop money laundering.”
Money LaunderingIf it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s Donald.
My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn’t start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.I asked “And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?”
She said, “Money laundering.”
I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash…I got busted for Money Laundering
The value of French Impressionism…..is largely determined by Monet Laundering.
I’ve been laundering money for a few months now. Also read about, on-site laundry.Seriously, this quarter has been in my washer for months
I have recently been involved in money laundering…I had some coins in my pocket which I didn’t realise untill there was a ticking sound coming from the dryer.
Money LaunderingIf it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s Donald.
My mom washed my wallet on accident.Asked me “is that what you call laundering money”.
My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.“Son, you’re going to have to stop money laundering.
Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.Laundering money is illegal
I accidentally left a dollar in my pants pocket, and it went through the washer and dryer.I hope the police don’t find out about my money laundering scheme…
Did you hear about that shady massage parlor run by bears?Yeah, turns out it was just a front for honey laundering
I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets.They charged me for laundering money.
I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash… Get information about, How to remove clothing sensor tags?I got busted for Money Laundering
Laundry Room Jokes
1 Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.
2 Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.
3 To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
4 To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway? Know about, using laundry detergent to wash the car.
5 To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of the pan, and bring to a boil on the stovetop.
: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.
6 Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won’t be any stains.’
: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers.
7 When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.
8 If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up”.
If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. My motto: If it’s cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.
9 Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”? Also read about, best powder laundry detergent 2022.
10 When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.
: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
11 If you have a problem opening jars: Try using dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
: Go ask the muscular neighbor to do it.
12 Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
13. Instant mashed potatoes will now be next to the anti-bacterial soap in a handy dispenser next to my sink. Get information about, How much does a laundromat makes?
Chinese Laundry Jokes
Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry 🧺 jokes?Because they always come out clean.
Why is Martin Luther King so bad at laundry?He won’t separate the whites from the colors…
Why was the Chinese laundry joke not funny? It had no irony.
How are laundry and Michael Jackson related? They both got bleached!
Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on called a day off?
What’s the difference between your mom and your dad one leaves your life to go get milk and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry. Know about, Where to get quarters for laundry?
Wife:I think these pants are getting too small for me!Husband: Dont worry, maybe you are just bad at laundry.
I would rather do my own laundry not my uncle”s laundry because I ain”t no damn butler-like Alfred from batman I don’t live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.
Laundry Jokes Quotes
1.”Humanity is the washerwoman of society that wrings out its dirty laundry in tears. “
2.” Behind every working woman is an enormous pile of unwashed laundry. “
3.” No matter what your laundry list of requirements in choosing a mate, there has to be an element of good luck and good fortune and good timing.”
4.”The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.”
– Pablo Picasso.
5.”A good laundry room with storage can make life easier.”
– Jonathan Scott.
6.”I live a quiet daytime life. I walk everywhere. I lie down. I wash socks. I fry an egg.”
– Pete Burns. Also read about, Can you use laundry detergent to wash dishes?
7.”I find myself dreaming of doing normal things – like staying home and washing dishes.”
– Shalom Harlow.
8.”My worst job was working in the laundry of a nursing home.”
– Rickie Lee Jones.
9.”I always make the joke that I go home, to one of my homes, to go and do laundry so I can go on the road again.”
10.”Everybody wants to save the earth; no one wants to help mom do the dishes.”
11.”You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.”
12.” Learn to put your troubles in your pocket, then leave them there when you do your laundry.”
13.”A good laundry room with storage can make life easier.”
-Jonathan Scott. Get information about, laundry starch.
14.”The nearest one that came to a tumble dryer was if the laundry basket was dropped on the way to the washing line and then the whole lot went tumbling down the drive.”
16.”If I don’t do laundry today, I’m gonna have to buy new clothes tomorrow.”
17. It’s a purging of sorts. Like, when you’re all done doing your laundry and it’s fresh and bright, but washing the clothes, you wouldn’t want to get in while it’s spinning around.”
-Maynard James Keenan
18.”Oh, let there be nothing on earth but laundry,
Nothing but rosy hands in the rising steam
And clear dances are done in the sight of heaven.”
19.” Love is a mental illness going in and mental illness coming out. In between, you do a lot of laundries.”
20.”Laundry’s easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put ’em on, dry ’em with a hair blower.”
21.”No other job in the world could possibly dispossess one so completely as this job of teaching. You could stand all day in a laundry, for instance, still in possession of your mind.”
22.”I really like doing the laundry, because I succeed at it. But I loathe putting it away. It is already clean.”
23.” The laundry has its hands on my dirty shirts, sheets, towels, and tablecloths, and who knows what tales they tell.”
-Joseph Smith, Jr.
24.”I won’t put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises – namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.”
25.”It turns out that a husband who does the laundry, it’s very romantic when you’re older. And it’s hard to believe when you’re younger. But it’s absolutely true.”
-Sheryl Sandberg. Get information about, mild detergents.
Christmas Laundry Jokes
1. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-Dolph.
2. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we’ll go places!
3. How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
4. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
5. What do you call a scary-looking reindeer? A cari-boo.
6. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show!
7. What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? This one’s gonna sleigh you!
8. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.
9. Why don’t you ever see Santa in the hospital? Because he has private elf care!
10. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.es Know about, Brown flakes in the washing machine,
11. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!
12. How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.
13. How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed!
14. What do you call an elf that can sing and dance? Elfis.
15. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross-mouse cards!
16. Where does Santa keep all his money? At the local snowbank.
17. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less
18. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
19. What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!
20. Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas? Because they’re shell-fish.
21. What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky!
22. What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.
23. What does Santa do with out of shape elves? Sends them to an elf Farm.
24. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!
25. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.
26. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
27. What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause.
28. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack!
29. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsil-itis!
30. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf! Know about, Hives from laundry detergent.
31. What does the gingerbread man put on his bed? Cookie sheets!
32. Why was the little boy so cold on Christmas morning? Because it was Decembrrrrr!
33. How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
34. What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter “Y!”
35. What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!
36. What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar? He got 12 months.
37. In what year does New Year’s Day come before Christmas? EVERY year!
38. What does an elf study in school? The elf-abet.
39. What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story? The Finch Who Stole Christmas.
40. What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride? A Holly Davidson!
41. How do sheep wish each other happy holidays? Merry Christmas to ewe.
42. What do you get when Santa becomes a detective? Santa CLUES!
43. What is an elf’s favorite sport? North-pole vaulting.
44. How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
45. What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when there are clouds in the sky? It looks like rain, deer.
46. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
47. What do snowmen take when the sun gets too hot? A chill pill.
48. What should you give your parents at Christmas? A list of what you want.
49. What does a grumpy sheep say when his friends told him Merry Christmas? Baaaa humbug!
50. Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants? Elephanta Claus. Get information about, Does laundry detergent kills germs?
51. How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming? He refers to his calen-deer.
52. Why wouldn’t the Christmas tree stand up? It had no legs.
53. Why does Santa work at the North Pole? Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole!
54. Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card? Because he went down in history.
55. What does Jack Frost like best about school? Snow and tell.
56. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.
57. What did one snowman say another snowman? You’re cool.
58. How do chickens dance at a Christmas party? Chick to chick.
59. What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt? Snow!
60. What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies! Know about, allergic reaction to laundry detergent.
61. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
62. What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band? The Who!
63. What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!
64. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He has been hooked on trees his whole life.
65. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
66. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.
67. A book has never written: How to Decorate a Tree, by Orna Ment.
68. What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat? Hits a gnome and runs.
69. What do ﬁsh sing during the holidays? Christmas corals.
70. What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? Ornamints.
71. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!
72. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?A rebel without a Claus.
73. Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll!
74. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? His wife was a total flake.
75. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
76. Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him!
77. What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
78. What’s Santa’s favorite snack food? Crisp Pringles.
79. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots? He was picking his nose!
80. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They’re into all the wrapping. Get information about, Will laundry detergent kills grass?
81. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
82. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!
83. What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
84. How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
85. What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
86. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
87. What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
88. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
89. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
90. What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer. Know about, check laundry card balance online.
91. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot’s him.
92. What’s the difference between Santa and a knight? One slays the dragon, the other drags the sleigh.
93. Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!
94. What is Santa Claus’ laundry detergent of choice? Yule-Tide.
95. Why was Theresa May sacked as Nativity Manager? She couldn’t run a stable government!
96. How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate? He uses Comet.
97. What is Santa’s favorite pizza? One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even!
98. What’s Santa’s favorite song by the Ramones? Blitzen-krieg Bop. Christmas Laundry Jokes.
99. I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
100. What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause! Also read about, Can you boil laundry detergent?
101. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.
102. What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance at school? Present.
103. Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
104. What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife’s health insurance? A dependent Claus.
105. Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
106. Why are Comet, Cupid, and Donner, and always wet? Because they are rain deer.
107. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
108. To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
109. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
110. Why does St. Nick like the Temptations’ version of Silent Night best? Because Santa Was A Rolling Stone. Get information about, formulation of detergent.
111. What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day? St. O’Claus!
112. When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him? Sandy Claus.
113. The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
114. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit? Crisp Kringle.
115. What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
116. What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.
117. What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing? Santa’s shadow!
118. Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed!
119. How do you scare a snowman? Grab a hairdryer!
120. Why does Santa have elves in his workshop? Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy! Know about, laundry in freezing weather.
121. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
122. What do a train set and boobs have in common? They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.
123. What do three ho’s get you? One very jolly Santa. Christmas Laundry Jokes.
124. What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and a man? A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.
125. Is your name Jingle Bells? Cause you look ready to go all the way.
126. Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.
127. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus? He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.
128. Why are Christmas trees better than men? Even the small ones give satisfaction.
129. Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!
130. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket… I’m just THAT happy to see you. Also read about, can you mix laundry detergents?
131. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was searching for some holiday spirit.
132. Why does Santa always come through the chimney? Because he knows better than to try the back door.
133. Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
134. What do you call Santa if he also lives at the South Pole? Bi-Polar.
135. Why was the snowman smiling? He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
136. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are just ornamental.
137. What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney? “Chest and nuts roasting on an open fire…”
138. Why is Santa so damn jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
139. Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present’s beneath them.
140. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh? They go into town and blow more than a few bucks. Get information about, mix laundry detergent with bleach.
141. Why did the snowman want a divorce? Because his wife was a total flake.
142. Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store? He desperately needed some holiday spirit.
143. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
144. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own? He only comes once a year.
145. Wanna see the North Pole? …At least that’s what Mrs. Claus calls it.
146. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
147. What’s Santa’s safe s-e-x tip? Wrap your package before shoving it down the chimney.
148. What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning? When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
149. Why does Santa land on the roof? Because he likes it on top.
150 Merry Christmas
Laundry Basket Jokes
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.I watched it all unfold
I almost fell down the stairs with a basket of laundry. I said “that was a close one”My dad said “No, that was a clothes one.”
Laundry Soap Jokes
Due to turning into laundry detergent, I was unable to go to work today.What can I say? My hands were Tide.
I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.My hands were tide.
What do police and my laundry detergent not have in common?One protects all colors.
Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.
Yo momma is like cheap laundry detergentNot as soft, doesn’t smell as good, but gets way more loads
The Ku Klux Klan…It’s worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant laundry detergent they use.
Get information about, laundry detergent on a plane 404.
Laundry Machine Jokes
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine….But catscan
The average hotdog machine will have 547,500 wieners in it and catch 4,277 gallons of juice in its trap during its lifetime.Just like your mother.
So the bartender asked, why do you have a time machine?A time traveller walks into a bar.
My old office finally threw away those old printing machines and bought new ones.I couldn’t give a fax anymore.
My brother wanted to get a white noise machineI told him just to look up Karen videos on YouTube
With my time machine, I traveled back to 1945 to show the inventor of Doc Martens my shiny new boots…Do you think I created a Pair O’ Docs?
Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?Because they finally got their quarterback.
I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.Its natural beauty was unpresidented.
Women say I’m like a machine in bedJust nuts and bolts
I invested in a coin making machineIt just made cents.
I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.It just had a sign on it that said “Out of Odor”.
What’s a washing machine’s favorite song?Twist and Shout
Broken quiz machine for sale…No questions asked.
“I don’t even know what the cloning machine does”Well, that makes two of us
I was surprised to discover that machine gunners are unpopular.They’ve been disliked for sentries.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.It’s always at the centre of a tension.
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?Sir
I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?” He said, “Try the ATM outside.”
The two happiest days in a time traveler’s life:The day they complete their time machine and the day they stop themself from completing their time machine
There was a good sale on mist machines but I didn’t buy anyIt was a mist opportunity
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
What is a 100-year-old’s favorite metal band?Age Against the Machine.
Do you know the difference between your mom and a washing machine?The washing machine can only handle one load at a time.
Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machineHe made a spectacle of himself.
What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?You only need to punch instructions into a drum machine once.
The machine at the coin factory I work for stopped working.It doesn’t make any cents!
My fitness has been great these past years despite the lockdowns.I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.
I bought a rowing machine even after my wife said I’d never use it.The joke’s on her. I’m in great shape now, and all I do is row, row, row and gloat.
What do you call a skunk with a machine gun?Pepe la Pew-Pew
You’ve reached the answering machine for the tinnitus associationPlease leave your message after the beep.
Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machineI suppose I’m now a money launderer
I’m not saying the women in my local pub are ugly…But there’s a paper bag machine in the gents’.
Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?It’s called the Man-DeLorean.
What’s the difference between a washing machine and Fox news?No difference: They both spin dirty laundry till it smells better.
What’s a washing machine’s favorite state to live in?Washington
Scientists Invent Machine That Can Ruin Any PizzaIt’s called a microwave.
Why can’t you crack death jokes near an ECG machine?Because ECG draws a line there
Humans have evolved to longer need heads, being mostly machine. However, one remained in a museum to be preserved for generations.I guess you could say it was a head of its time.
I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at workIt says “Ice Could” instead of “Ice Cold”. My first thought was, “Should it, though?”
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?No need to worry, he’s fully recovered
I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.He looked at me deadpan and asked, “What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?
A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir…”
What’s a tiger running a copying machine called?A copycat
My Time-Machine and I are Best FriendsWe go way back
What’s the difference between Boba Fett and a time machine operated by Marty McFly?One’s a Mandalorian, and the other’s a Manned DeLorean!
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.Then I realized I hate country music.
Went to get some ice cream from our local gelato vending machine and had to find it powered off since someone broke into it.This is why we can’t have ice things
Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?Its step ladder.
Laundry Line Jokes
My son and I were hooking pegs onto a clothes line.I said, if you drive you are a driver, if you hop then you are a hopper, so if you cook you are a cooker.
my son to his mother: Dad and I are hookers!!
William Shatner has discontinued his line i3f women’s clothes.Shatner panties just didn’t sell that well.
I put my clothes on the line, then lost them all.Never gamble with your laundry.
Lamborghini is coming out with their own clothing lineThe first thing they’re making are lambor-kinis
Did you hear Cheetos is releasing a clothing line?Sounds dangerously cheesy.
The band Kiss decided to release their own pants clothing line.It’s called Jean Simmons.
What’s worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?Stopping it with a shovel.
Looking out of the window I saw a neighbour stealing my socks off the washing lineI was going to confront him but I got cold feet
My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, “There’s a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line.”I said, “I know, the two kids from next door have them.” She said, “The dirty little perverts.” I said, “It’s nothing like that, they mentioned something about building a hammock.”
Thanks for reading.